| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Monday, November 26, 2001 Something that's been on my mind forever and seems to never go away...taunts me at random times of quietness and when I'm in thought... Today in church I went to a Sunday School that had the topic of preparing for marriage and being the perfect mate. *Sigh* At random times I find myself thinking about that one person. No not any random person who I'm like ho hum where is he what does he look like etc etc. But I find myself thinking about that one person that I already did like for a year now...seriously I don't know if it's a renewal of a one year thing but for real...now that I think about it...it's been just about a year. From the struggle that I had of trying to really figure out in the beginning did I really like him or did I just admire him and like alot of the things that he had...to then beating myself up for having to admit to myself that I really really and truly did like him. I have a hard time saying "loving" a person I don't know why...that word carries so much umph in it that I'm afraid of that word. But this weekend at times when I was driving or when I had a quiet moment...well not even just this weekend...just lately maybe these past two months I always find myself thinking of him. And it's eating away at me horribly. I went from not knowing him...then getting aquainted...then when everyone left for college...becoming good friends with him...and when I found myself attracted to him I was torn. I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to act. So all I could do was sit and hope that time would take care of things for me. Hoping that time would make my emotions fade and leave me alone. So then we became friends and I enjoyed being with him. And then ONE day would make things forever different. One convo at a coffeeshop that lasted for a few hours would change how two people acted towards each other. He knows me so well (at least on this one occasion). He could tell that something was bothering me so he called me and asked if I was ok and suggested that we go and talk about it. Talking to this guy one on one was really hard I was so close to him but at the same time so far. How do you tell someone that has met your standards and surpassed them what your heart feels and what your heart is telling you. I didn't have the courage to tell him then but I did come close. Too close. Because eventually after we went our separate ways that evening...he would figure out. A part of me wished he knew but another part of me thought otherwise. I wanted the friendship to remain the same so therefore I never did tell him. But after he figured out what was really going on he started treating me different. Becoming a little more reserved and much much more distant. So distant that I became bitter. Saddened by how things had evolved, I cried on occasions. I couldn't believe how distant he was to me...I knew something was up. We no longer "really" talked, only an empty "hello" here and there if either party could gather half the breathe to mutter the word. I was crushed. It hurt and I thought that if he were treat me in such a manner two could go at that game. I treated him as if he were a supervisor of some sort...only saying hello and addressing him by his full name. I was cold and I was trying to be as heartless as I could dealing with him. But the more I tried the more I felt it. I hated hating him. I hated not being able to hang out with him. It pained me to see him. (ugh I'm writing a freakin' sob story) I remember being so lost that I didn't know what to do. I drove around for awhile with no aim and no where to go. I went to the skating rink that he took me to the first time I had ever gone ice skating and then I just skated by myself. Around and around the skating rink I went, my mind at a blank at times and then my heart crushed with hurt at times. Then after the skating I didn't know what to do again. Driving aimlessly I received a call from my mother and she knew something was wrong cause she asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to the movies alone. So she left me alone. I drove and drove and finally I went to watch Sweet November by myself with a teddy bear. It takes a whole lot to gather enough guts to be able to go walk into a theater with a teddy bear in arm, by youself and go and watch a sappy movie. (sappy sentimental sucker = Sewa) Inside I wanted so bad for things to just go back. But time moved on. Both of us seeing each other a couple of times a week but really it was the equivalent of not seeing each other. I prayed that this would go away soon. I prayed that I would resolve this issue so it wouldn't hang over my head anymore. And still time moved on...senior year was over my friends were coming back from college...I graduated and then my graduation party. Things were still not the same. Summer was winding down and I was leaving for college very soon as well. But about four days before I leave it would happen that we would "talk" talk. For hours again. We would pour out everything that had happened. Why it got to the point it was at. Later on in that evening we would share a slow dance and we couldn't look each other in the eye. I would find a friend again that I truly missed. I missed him. I missed being able to tell him my problems and having him talk to me about it and him telling me some of the aspects of his walk through life. So many things have happened in this past year. At first I find myself a stranger to this person then he's my aquaintance, then my friend, then the person I'm bitter towards, then my friend and now I don't know what. After we had the talk before I left...he asked me do I think he's changed...and it killed me to tell him that I didn't know him anymore because I haven't talked to him in so long. He told me that he wasn't as happy as he could be and it really hurt me because I wanted to help him. I wanted to share his burden. After that night I felt so happy because I got so much off my shoulders. Then I didn't want to leave for college. Ha how ironic...I wanted to leave to meet people I wanted to leave and go off to my dorm and then ONE night and one convo would now make me not want to leave. But Aug. 27th came and here I am at State. Thinking about if I really missed home or what not I found myself realizing that I missed him. A few weeks back I would be ecstatic to see him come and visit for the one time. I was happy to go home and see him on a Sunday. But now after I went home for break I saw him again and for some reason it made me sour inside. Why can't we talk to each other again? Why can't I look him in the eye anymore? I feel like a coward. Am I making excuses for myself? How could I miss someone so much and still hurt to see him? I realized that moving away here at college, yes it's been a good experience with a fair share of downs. I looked forward to meeting people and hopefully getting my heart away from him. But meeting tons of people and making new friends didn't make a difference. Sure there are good guys here but for some reason none have them have ever made such an impact on my life. How can one individual make such a lasting impression? Seeing him over break I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't I could only manage a "hi, how are you?" A few more lines of convo here and there but nothing more than that. I feel like my heart is taking me through so many emotions and I can' t control it. *sigh* Right now, as I sit here I really wonder what he thought when he saw me or what he's thinking. I wonder if he still thinks about it. Ha how silly am I? I bet I'm the petty one here and the only one still thinking about it. I wonder if he can "sense" that I still feel this way. I wonder if how he would react if he knew that I still felt this way. I wonder what he would say. If only I knew...or maybe if only he knew... posted by Sewa at 3:35:00 AM # Man back to school from Thanksgiving break. I was so looking forward to it. I even skipped two classes on Wednesday to go home early on Tuesday night. And that means I got to play VOLLEYBALL! Man I haven't played "real" volleyball in so long that it was tiring to play a game of three on three and then four on four. But I'm so rusty I needed the practice...it's so fun...I have to admit...I'm addicted to it. If I were to name one thing that I missed about being home...that would be one of the things...is being able to go to vball every tuesday night and getting some good fun sport in. And then of course afterwards hitting ram's horn...but this past tuesday was Phoenix Coney Island for a few of us only. Ah...just like old times. Then I completely forgot what I did or what happened on Wednesday so I'll just move right on to Thursday...which was Turkey Day! The morning started off with a co-ed football game between Ambassador Fellowship vs. College Fellowship. We won and the final score was 35-21. Yippee. Not for my muscles though...I don't know how I could be so sore. I was just running...but my entire body...esp my legs were yelling at me. And then dim sum in windsor with the fam...I love spending time with the fam now...not that I didn't before...but there's a great appreciation for it..and then talking to my mom...wow it's kinda like I'm getting older by the second and I sit and think about it. And then at night was PARTY TIME! It was good...nearly 30 showed up and I think the evening went well. Got to see an old friend..got to meet a new friend.. and the night just went by with Taboo and Mahjong and Cards and Settler...and of course the star of the night...my dad's prime rib...poor cows...eh I'm not gonna go there. And on friday night and on saturday night I got to hang out with one of my friends that I know will be my life long friend even though we may not talk much and not see each other much...just a person that I grew up with and didn't get close with until a few years back. Along the way God blesses people with wonderful jewels like these and I'm just glad that I got showered with a couple of these friends too. posted by Sewa at 2:25:00 AM # |
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