| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Friday, February 22, 2002 I realized that for my blogs...the time that it says I posted a new entry is totally not right. I wonder what's wrong...oh well. Today late at night I suddenly saw a friend online that I haven't talked to in a LONG TIME. It has seriously been ages. But for some reason...I'm always able to talk to them and vice versa. And I feel like there's so much to catch up on. But for the little time that we did talk she said something that meant alot. She said that my blog was an inspirational outlook for her. And then the other day another friend really took my poem "Rapid" to heart and it meant something to him as well. And he wanted to copy and paste it to his blog. And it really hits home when people say things like this. And I know that although I do blog for the reason that it's a way of escape for me, I also realize that what I put in here can affect people. Therefore I hope that what I do put in here has a positive effect on people who do come back and read. Don't ever hesitate to share you comments with me in the comments section. And during the short conversation with this friend of mine a rush of thought came to me. We of course always check up on what's happenin' on each other's dating aspect of life. But I found myself saying to her once again...that I still have not yet dated...no bf in the vicinity or line of sight whatsoever. (why do I find myself talking about this topic quite often? *sigh*) But anyways, she said that she wished she hadn't started dating yet. To which I was a little surprised because I feel like I'm rather far behind compared to her. (No dis to you if you're reading this darling ;D) But the thing is she mentioned there is so much crap that goes along with dating and what not. And I told her yes there is alot of emotional energy and risk and time investment put into these things. And I realized that sometimes I wish that I had no emotions. Which scrares me. It chills me to the bone. Because I'd like to think of myself as a rather happy individual...a huge hopeless romantic and a sap alot of the times but that's ok. But all of this has to do with my emotions...my personality and what my outlook is. But can you imagine to live without love, laughter, hope or even dissapointment and frustration and many others? How would you ever know happiness if you never knew sadness? How would you ever know appreciation if you've never felt dissappointment? And love...well there are so many aspects to that, that sometimes that seems like pandora's box to me. Which leads me to another conversation that I had today...I've been rather happy/excited the past couple of days because tomorrow is the semi-formal/formal dance hosted by Chinese Student Coalition (CSC). And I'm anxious to go. And at first I was really sad and let down, dissapointed, whatever...because I nearly couldn't go. But up until yesterday I wasn't going...and when I found out that things would work out after all and that I could go. I was bouncing off the walls. So this person that I was talking to was saying to me how it's nice to see me happy about it. To which I replied...it doesn't take much to make me happy. And it would be horrible to demand so much in life because we would never be satisfied would we? So I guess it was just me being naive or what not and I said well what makes you happy? And he said he hasn't been excited about something in awhile. And I found that to be a little sad. And at that point I wished that I could package my happiness and then it would be A-OK right? If I'm ever down I could open up a pack and absorb it...or I could share it! In this incident I would have given him a package...manufactured and packaged by Sewa Wong in MI, USA. But the sad thing is, it doesn't work like that. Happiness cannot be packaged, happiness cannot be bought. I'm not saying I'm completely OK 100% of the time...but what does it take to be a more of an optimistic individual....I don't know. I don't know why I'm cheery alot of the times. I mean goodness...I had my share of REALLY rough times where I tought I couldn't make it anymore. I guess that one part that I can say is true though...and no intention to be cheesy...is that I have my faith. Not that I don't question it...but I have a faith, my Christianity. It's my life's investment I guess you could say. A simple gift that I have said "yes, thanks" to. More often than not though I wish that I had a blind faith...like that of a child. Because I do stumble I do fall...but for right now...I know that my stemming of true happiness comes from here. posted by Sewa at 2:26:00 AM # Tuesday, February 19, 2002 Rapid Frustration storms over me. The tears begin to flow. My mind spins rapidly. Wondering what is wrong with me. The tears continue to flow. Unstoppably they flow. Oh how I wish that it would all go away. That it would all stop. Who can understand? I certainly don't. Why am I so naive to think that it was supposed to be easy. My stupidity drives me insane. My emotions engulf me. My uncertainty and indeciveness cripples me to a standstill. My life is flashing before me. But I am on hold. Someone decide for me before I explode. I'm at a free fall much to rapid. Someone catch me. Someone stop me. Someone help me. Someone find me and embrace me. posted by Sewa at 11:00:00 PM # |
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