| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Thursday, November 07, 2002 I think that my love for Jay Chou has been rekindled. I watched some of his new music videos yesterday and I just totally melted and went goo goo gaa gaa along with being incredibly giddy and hyper for awhile too. My favorite is "Xiang hui dao guo qu." Oh my goodness can you say steal my heart away? You have to hear it and see it to believe it. Sheesh....what has gotten into me? Which leads me to this question...how do guys do that to us? Why do some guys just make us go crazy, at a loss for words, melt, bubbly, giggly, whatever. It makes me feel like the biggest idiot sometimes. For example, there was this one time I was in line in the cafe to get some food. And then there was a guy serving me brussel sprouts. I asked him "could I have some brussel sprouts please?" And he said sure and proceeded to serve me brussel sprouts and told me to say "when." Now that is a simple enough word isn't it? "When....W-H-E-N." So what disappeared from my vocabulary? You guessed it. "When" By the time I STUTTERED and then made a SOUND that resembled "whhhhhh....OK THAT'S GOOD." I was thinking "Sewa you idiot....you BIG idiot." He must have been thinking this girl must REALLY like brussel sprouts cause the dish was just about filled. I had a mountain of them. And let me clarify...I don't like brussel sprouts I was just trying them. But yeah I was still rather embarassed. So do girls have the same power on guys? I mean I can't imagine any guy I know jumping around the room like I did yesterday and just SQUEALING with delight over how good someone looked. Bah...*sigh* posted by Sewa at 10:25:00 PM # Monday, November 04, 2002 Warning: long blog, but something I'd really like to share with you...a cry for your advice and your prayers...please read... This weekend I went to the fall retreat at Spring Hill with Intervarsity, the umbrella title for a number of Christian fellowships on campus here at State and other colleges. Although we arrived a little late because we had previously commited to doing a body worship performance Saturday morning, I still enjoyed the remaining part of the retreat. First off, the body worship performance went great, it was for some strange reason unknown to me, the most fun that I've had doing it. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't worried, it was bliss. When the intro started I just breathed "All for you God, all for you." And as I took those steps to face the group of 600? 800? it was as though He said to me they're not out there, I'm the only one watching. And from there on in, I couldn't stop smiling. Normally I have to remind myself to smile on stage. And the performance flew by and it was flawless. And from there it all began... You see, it's been sometime since I've "felt" God. It's been sometime since I've felt His security. So without giving the body worship much more thought, off we all went into the minivan off to the retreat. I said a little prayer before driving for a safe trip and then shortly after the girls fell asleep and I continued to drive to an amazing but heart wrenching weekend. We arrived just in time for lunch, we had already missed nearly half of the retreat. Anyways it was during the last two main messages and music worships that I felt something stir. Because there were four of us that were going to be late, our staff worker Bonnie was gracious enough to take us as her small group and she filled us in on what we missed. The theme for the retreat was Daniel. I've never really studied this book in the Bible before. I know about as much as Veggie Tales told me about a chocolate bunny and a fiery furnace. But during our comfortable and personal small group discussion, she went through the first few chapters, and I had never realized how bold, how strong, and how brave of an individual Daniel was. He knew exactly what he was doing to set himself apart from non-believers. To stand up to a worldly king to be true to our heavenly King. To have an aim and a direction and a goal in His heart. I became envious of Daniel. I wanted his faith, his assuredness, his boldness. It seemed like everyone around me was enjoying the messages so much and appreciating and learning from the book of Daniel, granted I was learning too, but I felt confusion more than ever before. You see, I feel as though, at this current moment in time, I have no assurance, a lack of boldness, no aim, and no heart, no perseverance...you name it. Once again I am struggling with "my plans" and "His plans for me." Also at the retreat was a number of seminars that you could choose to attend during that time of the day. I saw one of them to feature the topic of "missions." Ever since my Alaskan missions trip, I've been thinking about doing it again and again and again...you see where I'm going with this? My eyes kept wandering back to where that seminar would be held, but that would interrupt things right? I HAVE to take classes during the summer right? I HAVE to get a job for the summer right? I have to have a future right? I picked another seminar. Another seminar in which I wasn't even paying attention in. I didn't want to hear of my "other options." I didn't want to have to think about it. I was running away already... I feel as though there is not enough of me nor is there nearly enough time to do all the things that I want to do. But that doesn't matter right? It's what He wants me to do. But why is it so hard for me? If you know me at all, you know that I have a love and a passion for cooking and the culinary art. But then if you're chinese or even just asian, you know that the rents are hard to please too and a cooking career is certainly not looked upon with favor. And then there is missions as well. Something so simple but yet so many sacrifices come with it. Sure I could say that I could combine everything and for example continue persuing the medical profession and just cook on the side when I feel like it for friends and what not. And then serve anywhere that He wants when He calls. But it's really not that simple. When I saw that Daniel had the one MAIN goal of honoring God and setting himself apart, I wonder, how am I honoring God in what I'm doing? Am I even setting myself apart? For all I know I'm just one among the rest. My parents have always wanted me to be a doctor. And it is all I have ever known. My brain has never ventured into "what I can/could/want to do." Sure I've dreamed here and there but it has always ended abruptly with the rude awakening of exams and material from my science classes or the stern voice of my mother telling me what I ought to do. All my life I have known the sciences, If I were to give it all up now, I feel as though you might as well put me back in highschool. Don't get me wrong, I do find it to be interesting, I do find it to be intriguing. But is me persuing this goal, honoring God? Or is it simply complying to the wishes of my mother and father, two of the dearest people to me here on earth? As my faith continues to develop or maybe even stand still the questions knock harder on my heart. I wouldn't mind putting aside a cooking career, I mean I could do it just as a hobby. It's more fun that way....right? I've been told it's not too late to change my major, I've been told that I could also serve God's people through cooking, but God's people could also be served through me being a doctor. I've also been told I'd make a great accountant cause I'm good at math, or good at business since I am good at persuading and selling and could manage a restaurant or whatever. I have always dreamed of a steady future, one with a stable career and plans to have a family. But I know with each option, things could and most likely would be dramatically different. But I struggle to even see a faint shadow of what God wants for me. I have not a clue if I'm even on the right track. And lately that's been something on my mind more than ever. Am I on the right track? I'm now a sophomore in college and you may say that I am still young and have plenty of time. But when all my peers around me seem to be getting internships left and right, taking the classes with majors that they are positive about, and balancing it all with God in mind, I really want in on all of that too. I want the summer to be three times as long so that I can take classes, volunteer, do missions and chill and wind down in the end too. But it's not gonna happen like that, the world is not gonna stop spinning because I'm not ready yet and I haven't decided yet. So when I was at the retreat, this Daniel character just drove it home. At one point during worship while we were singing, I just thought of my parents. They are not saved. They do not see the world as I do. It brought me to tears. I broke down struggling with the fear that one day when the Rapture comes they might not be in heaven with me in eternity. It is the most chilling thought and heart wrenching too. They want what is best for me I understand. But I too want the best for them. I want to please them, I want to please God, I, myself am not even figured into the equation. My head is about to explode with doubt and confusion. My heart is about to collapse with the weight of this burden and fear and anxiety. My soul is still searching and restless. During our small group discussion, we talked about what we learned, and when it came around to me, I confessed that I would not be taking away what probably most of the people were taking away from the weekend. I hate crying when I talk, and I hate the runny nose with it too...but I poured out to my sisters in Christ what was demolishing the inside of me. Where is my sense of character? My strength? My "all of the above in the previous paragraphs?" As I continue to stuggle with these issues even while away from the retreat I fear I will find no help, and no rest. Please pray for me, that God will reveal His plans to me as clear as day and just drop it in my lap even cause I know that I am rather dense at times. Sad isn't it? He could be speaking to me but I just miss it. Man there's so many more things I could say but I fear that I have probably made you, the poor reader's eyes go crazy already. But yeah so much more...will spare you...but if you have some free time and feel like droppin me a line...going to catch lunch...maybe you are more wise than I and can tell me how to go about this.... posted by Sewa at 7:41:00 PM # Wow! How exciting, my counter has gone over 1000. Granted that was a couple of days ago, it's still exciting. Thanks for stopping by and reading you all! posted by Sewa at 7:16:00 PM # |
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