| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Saturday, March 01, 2003 If you're free that weekend there is no excuse for you to not come! The ccf girls are performing along with a bunch of other cools acts from a bunch of the asian organizations on campus. We've been practicing really hard so please come and support us!! ^_^ posted by Sewa at 3:25:00 AM # Yay! Spring break is finally here! After four exams in two weeks I can finally relax and breathe again. And there were of course a couple of cram nights too...procrastination...when will I learn my lesson? I swear some of the only things that were keeping me going was my goal to get into PA school and the nice weather. Although it was a bit cold, the last few days have been so sunny. And when I was walking to some help hours there was hardly anyone else around so it was so serene. There was not a cloud in the sky as the sun filled it from end to end. Although the trees are bare right now they seemed to be awakening and stretching forth to be kissed by the rays of the sun. I even saw a squirrel come out...aren't they supposed to be hibernating? Oh well who would be hiding in nice sunny weather like that? At moments like that I just have a feeling that God is around and He knows I'm stressed so He gives me some of my favorite things (beauty in nature) just to ease some of my pressures. Thanks God ^_^ But now it's all over and while alot of people are going off to sunnier warmer places I'm looking forward to going to Toronto. Yes I've been there a ton of times before but I still like it. Toronto here I come! Have a great spring break everyone! posted by Sewa at 3:19:00 AM # Tuesday, February 25, 2003 I think relathionships are such a scary thing. I used to not even be able to use the word relationships. No joke for some reason I couldn't choke up that word for the life of me sometime ago. You may think I'm silly but lately I've been plagued with so many ups and downs dealing with relationships it's slightly overwhelming. People talk about strong relationships and what have you. But sometimes they seem so fragile and so much more complicated to me. I've still got so much to learn and so much to experience and this is something I still have a hard time with. The ties that people share with each other. Something that doesn't have a numerical value, something only built from pure emotions, raw feelings and open hearts and trust. But so many factors can so easily shatter them into a million pieces. Simple words spoken by the tounge could cause irreversible damage. Don't get me wrong I don't think that they are bad things and I'm certainly not one to claim that all of mine have been perfect. But I'm even happy to say that I've had some bad ties cause it's from those that I also learn and grow. But I used to be so naive and only related the word relationship in the aspect of boyfriends and girlfriends. But when it comes down to it...everyone I know and exchange more then a simple hello with has some sort of tie to me whether it be a superficial acquaintance or a timeless and priceless friend/role model like my mom. I've been trying so hard to focus on school and it's been going pretty well. But it seems like when you try for something harder there always seems to be more obstacles. I don't know why I used to think that having a bf would make me so happy and feel so complete on top of having God in my life. I used to think "aw someone to love me for me...to spend the v-days with and a shoulder to cry on..." Right...that's not even the beginning of it. There's so many more factors. I prolly thought of it so lightly because I never really thought it would happen to me anytime in the near future or that it was such a fairytale thing to me that I never gave it a "reality-check." The sappy part of me would get the better of me and be like oh how nice would this and that be or if this and that would happen it'd absolutely be a dream come true blah blah blah. You get my point. But now I find myself afraid when there's a chance that it could happen to me...when it's knocking at my door. I'm stuck at a point of indecisiveness. And on top or that fear. Ugh am I making any sense? I've been asked "why are you afraid to take the chance...yadda yadda yadda" Truth is...I don't know. There have been times where it was THIS CLOSE to happening but someway somehow it never happened. Ha...rate things are going I might just as well die an old maid right? They say that you live only once and you'll regret it if it you don't try or give it a chance. But truth is I've never gone past some flirting here and there and some crushes and some close calls. I don't know how well I'd handle a relationship right now and I can't even begin to imagine how things would be different. And I'm still afraid of being hurt. Just today I saw one of my friends who was dumped by his girlfriend last night. His hurt was written all over his face. He didn't go to class...didn't eat and wanted to cry when he came over. I don't want to ever experience that. Seeing him so hurt made me hurt too and I'm not even involved. Am I being too extreme? Am I making any sense? Does anyone else feel the same way? Or am I just being overanalytical? Someone please enlighten me... So confused... *To you: I'm sorry...but I still feel as though I'm wasting your time...you said you would wait but that doesn't mean the answer you want to hear or don't want to hear is coming any sooner. I'm really sorry. Right now I don't want to think about it and I need my time. A million times over..."I'm sorry" I hope this sheds a little more understanding on why I've been so silent at times not knowing what to say to you. posted by Sewa at 12:24:00 AM # |
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