| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Thursday, May 15, 2003 It's been a little under a month...school is out...and I went to chapter camp...but bliss really does only last awhile doesn't it? I choose to share with you not what I learned at camp or the fun times that I had before the year was out...I will later but right now I want to document a memory...while I still have the courage and can fight back the tears As I try to manage a smile and not shatter to a million pieces when friends say hello and what's up my mind flashes back again and again to a moment in time that I wish would vanish. My heart is still heavy and I still miss her. I still wonder if we made the right decision. And a part of my imagination toys with my mind and my hopes telling me that she'll wander home. That she'll bark and tell us that she's lookin' out for us again like she always has. As I sit here listening to "departure," I hope she's somewhere better. But I want to be there next to her and for her like she has always been for me. For my family. Phat, did it hurt when they gave you the anesthetic? Was there anything I could have done for you? Did you feel my tears? You know I didn't want to let you go right? When mom called I hung up on her because she told me to take you to the vet. I didn't want to because I knew what they wanted to do. But what could I have done? Phat, are you upset with me? Could I have taken better care of you? I hold dear to my heart all the times you've comforted my and all the times you've protected the family with a loyalty I could not have even shown to you. It killed a part of my heart to look you in the eye. Do you know that a part of my heart is now cold without you? I knew you knew but what else could I have done? Your body was growing cold. You were uneasy in the car like you always have been in cars. So I just put my hand on you just to let you know I was there. And with the obedience you have always shown once again you were at peace when you felt my hand. But my hand wasn't enough to save you. If I could have just breathed life into you. If I could give you a year of my own life or more. You know I would in a heartbeat right? The vet said that you were going into a coma. But how come I felt as though you knew. I wanted to take you back with me too. I wanted to. I really did. You knew that right? You know that Choi misses you too right? It guts me from the inside when I see his brown eyes look into mine. He knows I took you away. I want to bring you back too. The whole family misses you you know ? Our spirits are down without you. And I can't fight back the tears anymore. You were one of the smartest animals and one of the greatest gifts from God. I watched you grow up and you watched me grow up. You and Choi both brought so many smiles to the family's faces. And I wish there was more that I could have done for you. Your brown eyes were staring right past mine. And my brothers tears flowed...I could no longer control my sobs. Dad's not happy either. You know that you two were his favorite right? I can see it in his eyes none of us wanted to do it phat. We really didn't want to put you to sleep. Can you forgive us? We really love you and we all really miss you. Will you meet again with me one day? You will always be my puppy and I hope that you're better off now. I love you. posted by Sewa at 1:19:00 AM # |
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