| Thoughts of a Growing Christian | |||
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Thursday, May 29, 2003 When I can't bring myself to do the praying. And don't have the courage to talk to God. I just hope there's at least one friend to pray for me. Because I know and still trust in this time that God hear's all prayers. Dear friend who is reading this please pray for me for I know that He hears your prayer too. And thank you for remembering me. posted by Sewa at 11:43:00 PM # I drove again last night. For about an hour and a half this time. Once again with no aim and no direction. I just went on the freeway and left it on cruise control. As the lanes started to blur I felt hot tears running down my cheeks. I found that the radio stations were annoying. I tried to find wordless music but that too was annoying. I ended up listening to static. And after that I just turned it all off. The silence was growing louder than the sound. I simply cannot explain what is going on inside and it aggravates me all the more. As I come home I realize I don't want to be here. I'm tired of arguing and bickering I usually grow silent or when I feel as though I'm going to explode I choose to leave. I'm no longer good at expressing myself and when I'm attacked verbally I don't take it well. I'm so emotionally drained that I just wait till the tears come and hope that that will be a release of this mental and emotional fatigue. If I could have a wish at the moment it would be the ability to fly. I long for serenity. I long for peace. Iv'e cried much too often lately. I hate the cigarette smoke that fills the air at home. I hate how I don't have a room where I can just do anything. My insomnia at night is getting worse and I find myself with more time than ever to think. Especially when the house needs to go to sleep or the tv is being occupied. Thinking of my regrets and my short comings. Wondering why I'm like this and when it'll be over. Questioning myself as an individual. Replaying in my mind the verbal criticisms that come my way from someone that I feel is growing farther and the gap looks like it'll never be drawn together again. It's already broken me apart and it's further breaking the pieces that I've already been broken down into. If you ask me what "it" is I wish I too could tell you. I would do anything in my might to try to stop it. But my might is little and my fight at the current moment is lost. I need an escape. Right now even a room with four walls and no one inside sounds like heaven. I don't know how much longer I can put up this false facade of joy and happiness. The monster inside is growing stronger and feeding off of me. I'm trying ever so hard to supress it and as I grow weaker the most horrendous side of me returns. I'm knocking on imaginary doors. Hoping to find with a sign saying "haven." But all I see and feel are the all too familar doors at home that I tire of because I know that behind each door is stuff I don't want to be around right now. Because I know behind each door I know that I don't have a hiding place. To hide from the chores, the voices, the arguments, the smoke, the tiredness, the frustration. I most despise the fact that I don't want to talk to God right now. I want a room where I can hide from Him too. I found a station last night where you could call in and ask to be prayed for. I listened to that for a few minutes punched in the numbers but never pushing talk. I returned to a station of static. I despise myself for running away. I can't hide. I've lost. I've lost miserably this time. posted by Sewa at 3:19:00 PM # Wednesday, May 28, 2003 I wanted to find a purpose.... I left class early today. They were gonna go over practice problems but I haven't even gone over any of the material yet...so what's the purpose in staying? I sat in the parking lot trying to figure out what to do or where to go but just ended up coming up with a bunch of options but none of them were that great at the moment....wasted ten minutes to decide on nothing...what was the purpose? I started to drive and I called my mom I was driving towards the restaurant but ended up telling her I didn't want to go back there and that I didn't know what I wanted to do...why did I do that? I continued to drive but with no end point in mind. I drove to a some places where I knew some people would be but for some reason I just passed their cars sighed a cowardly sigh and then I left again. Then I continued to drive at what seemed to be a crawl...probably annoyed a couple of drivers on the road. But that's what it's been like lately my mind too often wonders why...when...where. My impatient curiosity leads me nowhere but into the arms of frustration. This perpetual questioning futhers me from everything in the world. I can't see a purpose. posted by Sewa at 10:38:00 PM # Whoa I'm 20. I want to send a special thanks to the "dynamic duo." You girls mean the world and the effort you two put into helping me finally have a good birthday means MORE than the world to me. Much love and I'm looking forward to spending next year with you two. And thanks to those who gave me gifts, good wishes and cards. Your remembrance of me already tells me how wonderful you all are. What have I learned in the past 20 years? I couldn't tell you if you gave me eternity. I'm still learning. But right now I'm in a mix of emotions of wanting to cling to the past as in I'm 19+1...I'm not settling well with a 2 in the ten digits place. I mean it's not that bad. But 20 is boring I guess. But I'm also looking forward with an anxious heart. The "old" feelin' is settling in, in a way. The past 2 months I've gotten a taste of close friends advancing in their lives. Engagements left and right...weddings right around the corner. And two super close friends finding someone special as well. It's so weird...but I'm happy for them. Super happy actually. But I'm once again in the infamouse scene of a movie when everything is moving around the character at the speed of light and the character is standing still not knowing which direction to head in. I guess I too want a taste of things that "are to happen in God's timing." The Man upstairs tests me in my weakest areas I swear. He knows what He's doing though, just wish I could remember that more often. I tire of my current surroundings. I'm looking for something fresh and new. I want to move on. I crave clarity. I'm in need of a job. But I'm desperate for a renewed passion for God and an unshakeable trust in His perfect plan for me. *sigh* posted by Sewa at 12:04:00 AM # |
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